Common
Myths about Surrogacy
Over the years we have heard quite a few
things about surrogates, and surrogacy in general, that are completely untrue. Often
these things are said by people who do not understand surrogacy, or why women
become surrogates. You may have heard people implying that surrogacy is
unethical, or that the women becoming surrogates are selling their bodies
and/or just doing it for the money. We’re here to quash some of the common
myths about surrogacy.
Myth: It’s difficult to ‘give the baby up’.
Truth: This is probably the most common
question surrogates are asked; “Isn’t it hard to give up the baby, don’t you
become attached?” No, it’s really not difficult at all. The baby, or babies,
resulting from the surrogacy arrangement were NEVER the surrogate’s baby(ies)
to begin with, and she went into it knowing that. A person wouldn’t offer to babysit a niece or
nephew then suddenly decide they won’t give the child back; they know that
child is not theirs, just as a surrogate knows the baby(ies) she carries aren’t
hers, either. To make certain everyone is emotionally and mentally prepared for
this task, surrogates and parents are psychologically screened before any
contract can be entered into to ensure this is not an issue, as it would be
traumatizing and unhealthy for all involved. The intention, from beginning to
end, is to carry a child for her intended parent(s). We do not give babies up;
we give them back to their parents!
Myth: Surrogacy is unethical.
Truth: Surrogacy is not unethical. This is
not “wombs for rent”, nor is it “baby selling”. There is no exploitation of
women happening in legal surrogacy
agreements within the United States. To become a surrogate a woman must first
pass many requirements, which include financial stability, and then pass
medical and psychological screenings. Surrogacy agreements are not drama filled
like what you see on TV
Myth: Surrogacy contracts don’t provide protection- The
surrogate can just keep the baby if she wants. Or, she will be responsible if
the parents don’t want their baby.
Truth: The contract phase is a crucial, everything
regarding a surrogacy process is placed on hold until contracts have been
drafted by an attorney, reviewed, revised if necessary, and signed by all
parties. Surrogacy contracts are a binding legal document, and will be
upheld in a court of law in states where surrogacy is legal. There are some
states in which surrogacy, a certain type of surrogacy, or even carrying for
certain Intended Parents, is illegal. If going through a reputable agency, they
will be able to let a woman know if it is possible for her to be a surrogate in
her state. In the incredibly rare occurrence the parent, or parents, do not
want the child, there are guardians written into the contracts. As for the
surrogate trying to keep the baby, (also uncommon), the courts will uphold the contract and/or pre-birth orders, granting
the parent(s) custody of their child.
Myth: Why surrogacy when there are so many kids to
foster/adopt out there, isn’t that selfish?
Truth: fostering and adopting is not always a
viable option for an Intended Parent or Parents. Surrogacy is not an endeavor
anyone goes into lightly. Most people have a desire to have a genetic connection
with their child, and surrogacy is a selfless way to fulfill that. Would the
average person or couple who experiences no fertility issues be asked why they
decided to have biological children instead of adopt or foster? For the most
part, no, and they shouldn’t be expected to; just as Parent(s) utilizing surrogacy
shouldn’t be expected to, either; simply because they need a little extra help
creating their family. There are wonderful people out there who open their
hearts and homes to kids in need of adoption or a foster home. Just as not
every woman is meant to carry a child or children for another family, not
everyone is able or desires to foster or adopt to expand their families. How a
person or couple decides to create their family is their decision, and a very
personal one. Only the very narrow minded think they should dictate how another
family is made.
Myth: Surrogates are doing it for the money–and make
big bucks!
Truth: Surrogacy is not about the money.
Surrogacy is the look on the parents’ faces when they see their baby(ies) for
the first time, or hear the first heartbeats. While some women may first
consider surrogacy for the profitable aspects, they still have what every other
surrogate has: compassion.. The joy in their faces when their deepest wish
becomes reality placing a hand on your belly and feel their child(ren) kick.
It’s the heart flutters you feel when you watch them hold their baby(ies) for
the first time, as tears of gratitude flow from their eyes. It’s in knowing you
made a difference in the life of another, helping them fulfil their dreams of
becoming a family. These are life’s precious moments, and no monetary amount
can come close to having those experiences. As for how much a surrogate is
compensated, there is range, while it does provide for the time and energy
expended, no amount can truly compensate for the
Myth: Surrogacy is about designer babies. If it’s not
what they want (like a boy) they’ll ask the surrogate to terminate.
Truth: Surrogacy is about creating a family–not
a certain appearance or gender for a child. Would some families like to have a girl
instead of a boy, or vice versa? Yes, but so do most families who have no
fertility issues. If a specific gender is wanted by a parent, or parents, there
are tests they can, and likely will, take in order to determine the gender of
the embryos prior to the surrogate’s transfer. However, this is not incredibly
common, and finding out the gender of the embryos is often a by-product of the
genetic testing an Intended Parent, or Parents, undergo to ensure their embryos
are viable and healthy. Also, asking a surrogate to terminate for non-medical
reasons is nearly unheard of, and will likely not even be placed in the
contracts. Above all else, the IP(s) want a family.
Myth: The IP(s) will request unreasonable diets and
make absurd demands on a surrogate’s day-to-day living.
Truth: This one is a little bit of a mixed bag.
An Intended Parent, or Parents, can certainly request a surrogate eat certain
things, or refrain from certain activities, such as; eating more fresh fruit
and drinking plenty of milk, or becoming a smokejumper while pregnant. The
requests made are generally mild, and go right along with things an OB or
Midwife would recommend, too. If the request is something cultural, of high
importance within their belief system, or if they have strong feelings about it,
they may ask to write it into the contracts.
Keep in mind these are requests. If an IP asks a surrogate to do specific
things, they are trusting that she will honor those requests, they won’t
be posting cameras around a surrogate’s home to make sure she does them. It is
also usually discussed at match meetings on whether the surrogate would be
comfortable with honoring the requests/putting them into the contracts. If its
something you aren’t comfortable agreeing to, then everyone moves on to the
next IP(s)/surrogate, and no one is ever forced to do anything they are
uncomfortable with.
Myth: Surrogates have to sleep with the Intended
Father.
Truth: Absolutely not! For Gestational
Surrogacy situations, the surrogate undergoes standard in-vitro fertilization,
or IVF procedures. This occurs by eggs being retrieved from an Intended Mother,
Mothers in some cases, or Egg Donor, while sperm is retrieved from the Intended
Father or Fathers, and the eggs are fertilized in a laboratory–completely
outside of a human body. The transfer is where the embryo(s) are then placed
inside the surrogate. In less common Traditional Surrogacy arrangements, the
surrogate will usually have an intrauterine insemination, also known as
IUI. There are some scenarios where the surrogate has an egg retrieval
performed, and then undergoes IVF for traditional surrogacy.
Myth: Surrogacy is just like adoption.
Truth: Surrogacy is not adoption.
In surrogacy agreements, the woman choosing to be a surrogate is going into the
agreement with the sole intent of carrying a child for a person or couple who
cannot on their own. She is not pregnant of her own accord nor adopting out her
own child.
Myth: The parents can force you to terminate/go
through a fetal reduction, and a surrogate has no say.
Truth: Whether a woman is comfortable with
termination and fetal reduction, (reducing the number fetuses being carried),
as a surrogate, is something she must decide on before submitting her
application and profile to become a surrogate. Matching with IP(s) who are on
the same page regarding termination and reduction critical and these decisions
will be reflected in their contract. Some surrogates and IPs decide they will
not terminate or reduce regardless of medical indications, while some say
they will opt for an termination for medical reasons, such as if the fetus
has severe genetic abnormalities/deformities. Also, potential surrogates should
consider their willingness to reduce from four fetuses to three, or three down
to two, as examples. It is a very personal decision on the part of the
surrogate and the IP(s), and generally no one will proceed if they do not agree
on what they will or will not terminate/reduce for. So, truly, the surrogate
does have a say before the issue could ever arise.
We hope this article helps to demystify
some of the commonly held myths. Surrogacy is such an amazing and wonderful
journey.
